Sakura dreaming

A retelling of Snow White

Once upon a time, most likely in the United States or Europe where there were property rights and public transportation was available, a young girl lived with her mom and dad. Their house in Georgetown,DC, well known for its high priced homes, had three bedrooms, two living rooms, and four bathrooms. The mother, an early 40something ex-model, became ill one day, and was taken to a nearby hospital to recooperate. "I'll die", she exclaimed, "if I don't get a new Versace dress everyday and become old and unfashionable." Her husband, known as "the King" for his ability to make a good investment, realized this was economically impossible even for his salary and said "while I care for you deeply, my love doesn't extent that far into my bank account." Thus the wife filed for divorce after extensively searching the internet for a couple of good lawyers. She eventually stumbled on Mike and Russ from
Barelylegalblog
and decided to hire them. She received more than half his assets thanks to her lawyers and Elliot as judge, and decided to persue a single life of celebrity status. Thus she left for Milian with these last parting words for her daughter: "marry rich: someone who hasn't been divorced before, still has most of his orginal hair on his head, a good health plan."

The King remarried due to economic necessity (his first wife owned most of the collections from Burbery, Gucci, Emperio Armani in the past ten years and retained legal possession over them when they filed for divorce: he was left with the house and lawyer expenses). Snow White complained to her friends about her step-mother. "She treats me like a servant: I only get $2500 a week from her! How can anyone live on that?" As Snow White grew up and finished high school, she became more and more beautiful thanks largely in part to her birth mother's genetics.

Her step-mother went to Banana Republic and asked "miror miror on the wall" for the salesgirl was named Mira, but the step-mother couldn't remember it and and called the salesgirl by a random object closest to her. (This week it was the step-mother was standing near a mirror when she spotted the salesgirl; last week it had been near the shoe display.) " Who is the fairest one of them all?" "It's true my queen," replied the salesgirl, "no one is more beautiful than you except for Snow White wearing that dress in yellow."

The jealous step-mother ordered her driver to take Snow White out to the nearest mall and leave her there without any credit cards or Snow White's cell phone. The driver had a kind heart and told Snow White he couldn't do this deed and suggested that she run away. "Don't be stupid," scoffed Snow White. "You misheard my step-mother. She said to drop me off at a university I've been accepted into, but not to give me large bills in cash." With that, Snow White stepped out of the limo and walked to the food court at the university. It was small and strange for Snow White had never eaten anything except gourmet food.

She then proceded towards one of her friends' dorms. Finding it a little untidy, she decided to clean it up in hopes that she could take back a blue T-shirt she'd loaned to her friend, but had never gotten back. After all, she reasoned, it's a signature D&G shirt, of course I need to get it back. She was very tired from the searching and soon feel asleep on one of the beds.

When the Dwarfs came home, they were surprised to find Snow White and after some argument, decided to let her stay after she told them she was accepted into the university. She promised to cook and look after them [read: she promised to make her driver bring all the food they could ever want and for her servants to clean the room for them]. The Queen discovered where Snow White was living and visited her. "What are you wearing?!" exclaimed Snow White, "that dress is from last season. You look like a witch in Valentino!"

Her step-mother brought her "poison apple," the latest Dior lipstick. The Dwarves looked on in envy as Snow White applied "poison apple" to her lips. Stepping into the hallway and seeing a WASP Prince nearby, Snow White checked her lipstick and pretended to faint. Thinking she was ill, the Prince rushed to her side (he was socially conditioned to prevent any attractive female from falling on the ground).

For momments she lied there, still and quiet. Since he decided he was physically attracted to her, he leaned over and kissed her. She opened her eyes and sat up with a smile. Everyone was happy, especially Snow White, who had found a new rich potential boyfriend. The Prince took Snow White to his palace (he had a single room to himeself) and where they decided to go out and lived happily ever after (until the next episode where she called him a pig who had no manners, but that's a story for another time).

posted by Sakura @ 10:16 PM